The Onion Pullitzer Prize
Report: Massive Wildfires,
Geopolitical Crises, AIDS,
Human Rights Violations,
Deadly Shootings, Africa,
Ethical And Moral Issues,
Child Labor, Drug Wars
June 19, 2011 | ISSUE 47•25
THE WORLD—Calling it devastating, tragic, complex, heartrending, heartwarming, catastrophic, courageous, and shameful, sources confirmed Sunday that massive wildfires, geopolitical crises, AIDS, human rights violations, deadly shootings, Africa, tourists taken hostage, ethical and moral issues, child labor, and drug wars.
While the Catholic Church, nuclear weapons, deadly Ebola outbreak, failing U.S. schools, the homeless, North Korea, and the resignation of high-level officials, reports indicate widespread corruption, a major environmental disaster, the crumbling housing market, blizzards, Indonesia’s rapidly growing economy, fraud, and the plight of the elderly.
Famine, sources later confirmed.
“We are in the midst of an unprecedented crisis,” an extremely high-ranking figure said in an exclusive interview, adding that tensions remain high while patience is running low. “I’m afraid the worst has yet to come. The aftermath could be even more devastating.”
According to those with inside knowledge of the situation, mine safety, unclean drinking water, gun laws, global warming, the role social media played, citywide blackout, the pharmaceutical companies, the insurance companies, the oil companies, a South Carolina neurosurgeon, a recovering drug addict from Baltimore who fights every day to keep her family alive, how one former steel town is struggling to adapt, and the psychological trauma suffered by soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.
In addition, the incalculable human toll, indescribable loss, utter ruin, candlelight vigils, Category 5 hurricane, magnitude-8.9 earthquake, F5 tornado, 140 mph winds, and the long-term effects on the local economy for the next 10, 20, and 100 years.
“This is something the world needs to know about,” said a key player in the still-unfolding story who spoke on the condition of anonymity, adding that he specifically contacted this newspaper after reading what he called “years and years of in-depth, compelling, poignant, authoritative, swift, rigorous, comprehensive, and responsible journalism. So many others turn a blind eye, and it takes a brave reporter to shine a light on what is, in the end, a gravely serious problem.”
“It’s times like these that I’m so thankful for a news organization that speaks truth to power and takes its responsibility as a gatekeeper seriously,” he added.
Those directly affected expressed anger, resignation, distress, rage, sickness, confusion, eerie calm, and frustration. However, a pervading sentiment that all is lost, that all is not lost, that rebuilding will take time, and that certain realities will have to be faced persists.
“The situation is terrible,” said a visibly distraught person whose comments were echoed by millions of other visibly distraught people who speak languages ranging from English to Punjabi. “I have lost [my home, my small business, my dignity, my entire family in what nobody is calling genocide but is clearly genocide, my medical license, my rights, everything].”
Migrant workers, school bullying, Internet bullying, the misappropriation of government funds, organized crime, stem cell research, changing gender roles, contaminated meat, hikers caught on the Iranian border, cracks in the criminal justice system, clean energy, a behind the scenes look at the CIA, microprocessors, the health of 9/11 first-responders, leaked diplomatic cables, the Supreme Court, the foster care system, and terrorism, sources confirmed.
Furthermore, gangs and cults. Also, commonly overlooked medical conditions that include fibromyalgia, thyroid disease, and aneurysms. And obesity. At press time, Barack Obama.